Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fluctuat Nec Mergitur

    Best Latin Phrase Ever.



Slacking has consequences.

I'm up to 215.

I stopped writing down what I was eating and started skipping workouts. I weigh more now than I have in 3 years. Fuck.

Back to the gym and back to eating properly as of this morning.

The good news is that it only took 3 weeks to put on that weight so I should be able to get it back off just as fast.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

I should be sleeping, but...

Ok, shit hit the fan this week.

I finally got so fed up with my trainer that I switched to a different gym within the same company so that I could switch trainers without anyone getting mad. I also saw a nutritionist.

I really like my new trainer a lot, he totally kicked my ass. I was sore for the first time in weeks. He said that I clearly have a good base, but that my trainer had no idea what she was doing and now my posture for my workouts is kind of fucked up.

So the new plan is this:

2x a week w/ trainer. Lots of compound exercises and non-machine / free weight stuff. 1x of weights on my own, that will be mostly machines so I can't fuck up form.
4x a week of 25 - 45 minutes of cardio, interval training w/ the podrunner series

Nutritionally speaking, I'm still really fucked. I either restrict like crazy or blow off any control and it's really hard to find a happy medium. And my blender broke. How the fuck am I supposed to choke down this protein powder when I can't blend it with anything? Ugh.


Protein Powder + Milk
Coffee with Baileys x 1
Coffee Cake
1/2 Banana
Piece of cheese
Stuffed Pork Chop
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup stirfry veggies
coffee cake
2 pieces banana bread w/ butter
4 mini aero bars

Moral of the story? Too much carbs not enough protein, and just generally a bad food day. Lets never speak of it again.

Clearly I'm not on track for new workout treat this week so unless I'm REALLY good until Friday I'm just going to be dealing with no present this pay period.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

No apologies or excuses - Day 34

I have been slacking. I missed my workout on Tuesday with my trainer but I did go in and have a really solid workout on my own and did nearly as much as I would have with her. I found I had to up some of my weights again, which is good, and wasn't dying halfway through sets the way I was a month ago, which is another positive which as made me think that I should be doing a positive and negative check-in.


First some updates:

  • Finally got a protein powder and am trying to work it into my 'breakfast.' It is Iso-Gold which apparently is highest protein for lowest calories and no artificial sweeteners (it is sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame)
  • I've lost my mp3 player - again. I hate working out without one.
  • I'm finally starting to get caught up at work.

Cons & Negative stuff going on lately

  • I am not eating what I'm supposed to be eating. I have a fucked up relationship with food. I know this, and it's a huge problem for me. The earlier I start eating in a day, the hungrier I am. The protein powder seems to be helping with this but I'll have to stick with the shakes a little longer to see if it helps overall.
  • I was really counting calories like a maniac for a while and then I suddenly stopped. It makes me feel really out of control to not count. I know that if I'm eating 2/3 of a plate of vegetables and 1/3 of a plate of protein and then a small side of whole grains it is really hard to eat a crazy amount of calories but if I don't keep track of everything I tend to eat a lot of garbage, which brings me to my next point.
  • I've been eating a lot of garbage. I have been exhausted for days and when I'm tired my willpower is absolute crap. This means that if I want chocolate, chocolate it is. I have to figure out how to control this craving = eating what I want thing. I don't know how to do it. I better figure it out quick.
  • I haven't been doing as much cardio as I should. I was doing too much. I was doing 1200 calories worth of cardio 3 + days a week. My trainer gave me hell when I told her I was doing an hour of cardio (which was a gross understatement of the facts) and ranted about needing the energy for my time with her so I started doing less, but less slip slid down to almost none. I need to do more cardio.
  • I've missed my Tuesday appointment with my trainer two weeks running. Both times I have worked out on my own but I don't know if it's the same.
  • I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of my workout. I am pushing and I'm working hard when I'm there but I don't feel it after. I don't get it. I like the ache afterwards, it makes me feel like I've done something... feeling nothing leaves me wondering if I accomplished anything.
  • My trainer does not push me when I want to give up on stuff

Pros & Positivies

  • My trainer has been upping my weights and I didn't notice
  • I'm not thinking I'm going to die halfway through sets
  • I'm starting to see my arms look a little better which is nice.
  • I'm starting to realize that I have a totally skewed and un-objective view of my goals and how my body should be reacting to things
  • I'm giving up processed food for Lent. This, in and of itself, solves a lot of my eating garbage problems. Whole foods are a lot harder to fuck up on and 40 days is long enough to make a positive change.


Goals through to March 5

  1. No more processed food
  2. 4 days of proper cardio
    1. 60 minutes total cardio
    2. > 15 minutes on the cross trainer combo
    3. Treadmill time must be done at > 4.5 mph and > 3.0% incline
  3. Fit in my "no-trainer" workout x 2
    1. Lower body on Saturday
    2. Upper body on Monday

If I meet these goals I'm buying new gym shoes on the 13th.


Feedback, as always, is GREATLY appreciated.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I've seen better days --- Day 26

It's funny how quickly 30 days will creep up on you. It is starting to feel like 30 days wasted but I know that it's not. Any improvement is better than staying the same I suppose. I don't have a scale here so I don't know where I'm at and that is one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. I used to have a digital scale that I loved because so long as I could see it go down, even an ounce a day, I knew I was on the right track.

Anyhow, enough whining.


3 cups coffee w/ milk & sweetener
3 Hershey's kisses
4 jujubes

2 Babybel cheese
1/2 glass of blueberry pomegranate juice

Yogurt smoothie made of:
1 cup frozen peaches
1 cup 1.5% milk fat yogurt
1/3 cup mango orange juice

1/2 glass of blueberry pomegranate juice
777 Calories

Gym Time:

20 min eliptical - 200 cal
1 hr weight training (legs & abs) 450 cal
15 min treadmill - 150 cal

800 Calories

Net Cal = (-23)


Monday, February 16, 2009

One more thing...

The scale in the change room is wrong. Dead wrong.

I was only down 2.5 lbs. I need a scale. One of my own so that I know it's right. I can't deal with thinking I'm down 10 and then only being down 25% of that. Ugh.

Shameful self indulgence - Day 24

I haven't posted in days. It has been a terrible horrible no good very bad weekend and an amazing weekend rolled into one.

Bowl of Special K - Red berrries + Milk
1/2 Grapefruit
Lots of Gin
Lots of Vodka
Lots of Beer
and enough physical activity to damned near counteract all of that. Don't ask.

Double cheeseburger from McDeath - Hangover
Ah Caramel 100 calorie snacks x 2
Arizona Iced Tea - Green w/ Ginseng & Honey


EVERYTHING IN SIGHT - So bad that I can't remember and don't want to talk about it, suffice to say that I finished it all off with a plate of Chinese food.

Special K + Milk
2 Babybel
2 Hard boiled eggs
2 Grilled Cheese
Arizona Iced Tea - Green w/ Ginseng & Honey
Hot chocolate

It has been a rediculous weekend. I don't knwo what the issue was other than I had a hell of a hangover over the course of a couple of days.

I need to figure out some form of self control. I need to be stronger than I am because right now I'm a weak, pathetic mess of a girl. I don't know how to fix this. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'm going to have to start spending more time there because it's basically the only way. HELP!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My life through the looking glass... Day 19

We're certainly not through day 19 yet but I know that I'll be working the rest of the day and won't really have time to write later.

I know I don't get enough protein. I have no idea how I could conceivably eat as much protein as my trainer wants me to. 120 grams of protein is a LOT.

To give you some perspective, if you wanted to get that from chicken, you would have to eat 3 - 4 boneless skinless chicken breasts per day to get that much. I really don't like chicken, but that's is not the point, it's just a lot of meat, cheese, eggs, lentils and shit to get into me and I really don't eat a lot of meat. I think I'm going to have to give in and start taking some protein supplement powder or something, must go to GNC, I guess.

I didn't put up a food log from yesterday so here goes:

Breakfast - 73 Calories

3 Arrowroot Cookies

Lunch - 608 Calories

1 Cheese Bagel w/ Herb & Garlic Cream Cheese

6 Cups of Coffee w/ Milk & Sweetner

Dinner - 869 Calories

1 Cup chopped mixed vegetables

2 Cups whole wheat pasta

2 tbsp mayonnaise

75g roasted chicken

1 tbsp flax seeds

Daily Total:

1550 Calories

41 g Fat

69g Protein

225g Carbs

Yeah, yeah. Too many carbs, not enough protein. Gotcha.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

To the gym and back... Day 18

Went and worked out today and got really sick, toilet bowl hugging, wishing I could puke so that I could feel better sick.

Workout had to be cut short so I've been doing abs stuff on and off to try to make up for it. I'm going to have to go back tomorrow and get another workout in.

My trainer has new rules as follows:

  1. Drink a bottle of water before every meal
  2. Eat 4 meals
  3. 2 tbsp of vinegar before every meal to block any fat that may exist in the meal
  4. Is it protein? Is it a vegetable? No? Then don't eat it.
  5. No more than 2 cups of coffee a day
  6. Replace excess coffee with green tea
I have to officially weigh in on Thursday, and I really am nervous because I've been weighing myself on the scale in the change room, and I am supposedly down by 10 lbs. I'd like to believe that it is that much but I doubt it.

On Saturday I'll be half way through the month and will give you an update on goals and photos but as a quick recap my goal was 195 by March 1. I think I need to work out harder to get there.

Monday, February 9, 2009

All work and no play... Day 17

Well boys and girls, I have been working like a maniac but as a result I've not been working out like a maniac. This probably isn't a terrible thing since I know that my trainer is going to kill me tomorrow but I do like to get in for some extra cardio when I get the chance, unfortunately the nature of my job requires absolute dedication from me when I have orders, and so a lot of other things tend to fall by the wayside.

I've been eating not terribly but I tend to be bad when there are people around to see me, and I have no idea why. I used to be worse when I was alone but that's done a flip flop and now when someone can see me eat, I usually do. I'm going to have to impose another rule, I think, which is no eating in front of a computer or a television because I tend to do so rather unconsciously and that is just not good.

On the upside, I was looking at my calendar for activity vs. intake and it appears that I have been, on average, burning 1000 - 1500 calories more per day then I have been taking in, and have been eating much "healthier" than I have in months. I eat far less than the average person because, well, eating that much is gross, but I do eat much better quality food. Switching back to whole foods whenever possible was the best thing I've ever done. I eat less because a lot of it is a pain to prepare, and even if I go completely nuts and eat everything in sight, it's really hard to eat 1200 calories of veggies without exploding.

Anyhow, I'm going to hit the gym Tuesday & Thursday with my trainer and will be sneaking in at least two other cardio sessions for 900 - 1200 calories per.

I'll follow that up with some new photo updates at the end of the week, I loathe to do it, but it holds me accountable.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Day 15 - Ugh

I have officially been seeing my trainer for a week, four sessions in and I'm starting to see some results which is really good, not time for photo shoot #2 yet by any means but I certainly am feeling and seeing some results. (Really this means that I can't move.)

Foodlog for yesterday is:

Breakfast - 440 Calories
1 serving Danone
2 servings Maple Brown Oatmeal
1/4 cup Milk

Lunch - 435 Calories
1 medium Banana
1 serving Grilled Cheese

Dinner - 398 Calories
1 1 1/2 servings Butternut Squash Soup
1 slice large French Bread

Snack - 70 Calories
1 serving Black Diamond Cheese String

Total = 1343 Calories

Calories burned by existing / working yesterday = 2876

Net Calories for the day = -1533

I still ate too much but don't feel that bad about it considering the kind of day I had.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

day two, and kinda three

SO yesterday didn't totally suck... and then i got up... no im kidding. all in all, it wasn't a total right off. I had under 1000 calories, went on two runs, did 100 crunches, and kept busy all day doing housework and things so it all leveled out quite nice.
I am down to 155
Still a beached whale, but a little less flub... although you really cant tell a difference AT ALL. and chances are I'm going to hit that plateau soon, which blows madly.
ANyways, had a horrible fight yesterday with a friend, and said some things that i didn't think i had the cojones to say, but apparently do. Most of them about how all the make up, tanning, and gym going in the world will never make her even remotely attractive... but now that i think about it, i may have been directing all that at myself, and she was just as good, fat, and ugly and outlet....
Kinda sucks.
But anyway GOB TOMORROW! Lets mosh off all the flab?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Day 2 - A good day!


  • Pita Bread - 1 White

  • Peanut Butter - 1 tbsp

  • Banana - 1

  • Milk - 1% 6oz

  • Hardboiled eggs - 2

  • Light Mayo - 1 tsp

  • Yogurt - 1.5% MF - 90g

  • Dairy Queen Dilly Bar - 1 (Bought by my cousin as an apology, so I had to)

  • Light Hot Chocolate - 1

1000 calories


  • 20 Min Stationary Bike

  • 30 Min Eliptical Trainer

  • 40 Min Tread Mill

  • 100 Crunches

1000 Calories


Go team me!

Monday, January 26, 2009

How did it come to this? Before Photos - Ugh

Somewhere along the line I lost control, I gave up and I decided that having a roll over my underwear was acceptable.

This is probably the most humiliating thing I've ever done but perhaps I need it for that ultimate reality check. This can't go on.

I'm making changes, regaining control, remembering, slowly. My body actually accepts this fairly easily, it remembers how it felt before and knows that this is second nature, and I'm grateful that it won't fight me too hard, at least for the first little while, and by the time it does, I will have the convictions and the strength to win.

I shudder when I see these, they make me want to get up out of bed at 1:15 am and run laps around the village, alas there are alarms on the doors here that beep every time they are opened, and they would rat me out.

These are the photos from Day 1.

ugh. i hate this. i keep weighing myself and it is changing every ten minutes, I swear its going up. How can I have gained three pounds since this morning when all I've done is run around doing laundry and drink 3 bottles of water?
So unbelievably frustrated. Also upset by the fact its french onion soup and grilled cheese for dinner. How can I eat that? Nothing there is safe. BUt i cant get away with not eating it either.

and FYI

There are 200 calories in 1 serving of M&M Meat Shops French Onion Soup.
Calorie break-down: 36% fat, 32% carbs, 32% protein.
Calculated Weight Watchers® points: 4 points.
Estimated Net Carbs (non-fiber carbs): 13g.

That is what I'm putting into my body. disgusting. Oh and of course...

Calories 670
(2801 kJ)

% DV 1
Total Fat
Sat. Fat
Total Carbs.
Dietary Fiber



for grilled cheese. JOY!

Superskinny Us - Day 1 - Part 2

Posting problems are the bane of my existence today!

So here's the plan for me:

50% of my daily total calories from protein because my trainer is giving me hell about having only about 1/4 of the protein my body needs, and she says it's based on ratios. Fine.

I'm also committing to < 750 calories per day. I know that this is a lot, but I need to step down gradually because otherwise I last about 3 weeks before I'm ready to kill someone and finally give up. I missed my appointment with the trainer this morning because I have too much work to do but I'll be seeing her Wednesdsay @ 5pm and will head into the gym @ some point tomorrow to make up. No excuses.

1/2 a grapefruit
1 Yogurt
145 Calories

Water with Lemon Juice
3 Hard Boiled Eggs (Gross, going to have to find an alternative)
235 Calories

Pot of tea - no milk, sweetner (yeah, I know)
5 Calories

1/2 Chicken Breast - Boneless, Skinless, Baked

1 pita bread - white (really must do my own groceries from now on)

1/4 cup yellow pepper

2 tsp asian dressing

425 Calories


Cheese String


1 1/4" cube of extra old cheddar


250 Calories

Total for day = 1060

Okay, I came in a little higher than I wanted to, the boy handed me a cheese string and I ate it without thinking. Must learn how to say no thank you. I wish I had the strength to purge but it has never been something I could do.

Headed to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water.


Day 1 - Superskinny Us Challenge

I don't have before photos taken yet but I'll get them up and posted by tonight hopefully, I know it's not going to be pretty. In the interm, here's some thinspa!

So here is day one of the "I WILL NOT BINGE IF MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT" diet.
here's my morning thinspo http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=uW9EF2QkcK4&feature=related
feel like a whale right off the bat, and you're not likely to be running for the fridge or cupboards for anything but water and laxitives lol. Its a pretty simple theory.
So here's my goal: Only eat apples and drink water today, except for dinner where i will need to sit down and eat something, but at that hopefully manage only a handful of veggies. Also going to walk the dog now, and then take him for a run at like 11 when there is no one around to see fatty pounding pavement and panting from all the effort of dragging an extra 50 lbs down the road with me. (Please note, the dog weighs 7 pounds, the rest is all me)
So here's hoping i can get through the day.
CW 155.5 (apparently)
HW 162.5
LW.... well pretty low
STG a size 5 for march
LTG a zero for june/july.

Jan 25 / 09

The list:

2 bananas
2 pieces of Hawaiian pizza with jalapeno cheese dip
2 grilled cheese sandwiches
an apple
a banana
4 bottles of water

Let's never talk about it again

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I have a serious issue. It's called being a woman. Every time I get my period I eat... for 7-9 days straight. and then spend the rest of the month hating myself and compensating.
Welcome to day 5 of the binge. I had a bagel, a serving of pork tenderloin, and 5 perogies.
Off me please.
And the best part, I'm at that Do I have it, or dont i have it stage where, really i dont have my period, but I cant have sex yet to get rid of all the frustration because mother nature is a nasty cunt whore who decides to surprise me every 6 hours or so by having it re appear.
So there's the gorey low down of where I lay today. Obese and miserable.
HW: 160
CW: (pretty damn close) 157
STG: 140

now how to get there?


My whole life I was thin, athletic, and firm. I played every sport available and was lucky enough to have grown up to be 5'10". This is a blessing and a curse. It means that when I first started to put on weight everyone referred to it as "filling out" and "looking more like a woman" instead of just calling me on the fact that I was starting to look like Betsy the cow.

I was in a bad relationship for about eight years.

I put on the freshmen 15, twice.

I am a stress eater.

I have never been exposed to the crap that I was eating, and so I didn't realize how bad for me it was.

I am a compulsive over eater with the inability to say no to myself.

I have no self control.

I can eat whatever I want, so long as I'm working out.

I'll just have one bite.

I'll run tomorrow to make up for it.

I broke my foot and can't help it, I'm just not getting the exercise I need.

I am too busy with the kid, and the aunt, and the job and school to eat properly.

I'm in the UK, when is the next time I'll be back? I should enjoy.


I need to stop giving myself permission. I need to stop making excuses. Where I am is not acceptable, attractive or okay. I used to have more self control.

It is time to stop whining, making or taking excuses. I have 7 days in a week to check Facebook and email, to talk on the phone and to text my hours away in between naps, perhaps I should stop being such a sloth and do something about this before it makes me crazier than it already has.

Think Yoda: Do or do not, there is no try.

Rework it: Do. There is no do not. There is no try.



HW: 273

CW: 207

STG: 195 by March 1

LTG: 145 by September 1



Well, if we're confessing and taking responsibility then I guess I'll have to be honest.

2 pieces French toast with butter and syrup

2 glasses of juice

6 oz white meat chicken with brown rice & stir fry vegetables

12 oz glass of 1% chocolate milk

Misc bits and bites while cooking

1 Oreo

I should be shot.    

so here i am at 4 am.
I'm so lucky in so many ways. I have a relatively healthy (physically at least) family, I wake up next to the most amazing man i could ever ask for each day, i'm treated like gold. everything is great, except for that giant gaping hole inside of me where my own beliefs should be.
Who the fuck am I?
I'm that girl in the mirror, blank faced, staring into obscurity. I'm the voice inside my head screaming that nothing will never be good enough, I'll never be good enough. I always need to change... but into what? What haven't I tried yet? I have been everything, but I'm still nothing.