No apologies or excuses - Day 34

I have been slacking. I missed my workout on Tuesday with my trainer but I did go in and have a really solid workout on my own and did nearly as much as I would have with her. I found I had to up some of my weights again, which is good, and wasn't dying halfway through sets the way I was a month ago, which is another positive which as made me think that I should be doing a positive and negative check-in.

 

First some updates:

• Finally got a protein powder and am trying to work it into my 'breakfast.' It is Iso-Gold which apparently is highest protein for lowest calories and no artificial sweeteners (it is sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame)
  
• I've lost my mp3 player - again. I hate working out without one.
  
• I'm finally starting to get caught up at work.
  

Cons & Negative stuff going on lately

• I am not eating what I'm supposed to be eating. I have a fucked up relationship with food. I know this, and it's a huge problem for me. The earlier I start eating in a day, the hungrier I am. The protein powder seems to be helping with this but I'll have to stick with the shakes a little longer to see if it helps overall.
  
• I was really counting calories like a maniac for a while and then I suddenly stopped. It makes me feel really out of control to not count. I know that if I'm eating 2/3 of a plate of vegetables and 1/3 of a plate of protein and then a small side of whole grains it is really hard to eat a crazy amount of calories but if I don't keep track of everything I tend to eat a lot of garbage, which brings me to my next point.
  
• I've been eating a lot of garbage. I have been exhausted for days and when I'm tired my willpower is absolute crap. This means that if I want chocolate, chocolate it is. I have to figure out how to control this craving = eating what I want thing. I don't know how to do it. I better figure it out quick.
  
• I haven't been doing as much cardio as I should. I was doing too much. I was doing 1200 calories worth of cardio 3 + days a week. My trainer gave me hell when I told her I was doing an hour of cardio (which was a gross understatement of the facts) and ranted about needing the energy for my time with her so I started doing less, but less slip slid down to almost none. I need to do more cardio.
  
• I've missed my Tuesday appointment with my trainer two weeks running. Both times I have worked out on my own but I don't know if it's the same.
  
• I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of my workout. I am pushing and I'm working hard when I'm there but I don't feel it after. I don't get it. I like the ache afterwards, it makes me feel like I've done something... feeling nothing leaves me wondering if I accomplished anything.
  
• My trainer does not push me when I want to give up on stuff
  

Pros & Positivies

• My trainer has been upping my weights and I didn't notice
  
• I'm not thinking I'm going to die halfway through sets
  
• I'm starting to see my arms look a little better which is nice.
  
• I'm starting to realize that I have a totally skewed and un-objective view of my goals and how my body should be reacting to things
  
• I'm giving up processed food for Lent. This, in and of itself, solves a lot of my eating garbage problems. Whole foods are a lot harder to fuck up on and 40 days is long enough to make a positive change.
  

 

Goals through to March 5

1. No more processed food
   
2. 4 days of proper cardio
   
   1. 60 minutes total cardio
      
   2. > 15 minutes on the cross trainer combo
      
   3. Treadmill time must be done at > 4.5 mph and > 3.0% incline
      
3. Fit in my "no-trainer" workout x 2
   
   1. Lower body on Saturday
      
   2. Upper body on Monday
      

If I meet these goals I'm buying new gym shoes on the 13th.

 

Feedback, as always, is GREATLY appreciated.

I've seen better days --- Day 26

It's funny how quickly 30 days will creep up on you. It is starting to feel like 30 days wasted but I know that it's not. Any improvement is better than staying the same I suppose. I don't have a scale here so I don't know where I'm at and that is one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced. I used to have a digital scale that I loved because so long as I could see it go down, even an ounce a day, I knew I was on the right track.

Anyhow, enough whining.

Yesterday:

3 cups coffee w/ milk & sweetener
3 Hershey's kisses
4 jujubes

2 Babybel cheese
1/2 glass of blueberry pomegranate juice

Yogurt smoothie made of:
1 cup frozen peaches
1 cup 1.5% milk fat yogurt
1/3 cup mango orange juice

1/2 glass of blueberry pomegranate juice
-----------------------------------------
777 Calories

Gym Time:

20 min eliptical - 200 cal
1 hr weight training (legs & abs) 450 cal
15 min treadmill - 150 cal

-----------------------------------------
800 Calories

Net Cal = (-23)

Sweet.

One more thing...

The scale in the change room is wrong. Dead wrong.

I was only down 2.5 lbs. I need a scale. One of my own so that I know it's right. I can't deal with thinking I'm down 10 and then only being down 25% of that. Ugh.

Shameful self indulgence - Day 24

I haven't posted in days. It has been a terrible horrible no good very bad weekend and an amazing weekend rolled into one.

Friday
Bowl of Special K - Red berrries + Milk
1/2 Grapefruit
Lots of Gin
Lots of Vodka
Lots of Beer
and enough physical activity to damned near counteract all of that. Don't ask.

Saturday
Double cheeseburger from McDeath - Hangover
Babybel
Juice
Milk
Ah Caramel 100 calorie snacks x 2
Pear
Arizona Iced Tea - Green w/ Ginseng & Honey

Sunday

EVERYTHING IN SIGHT - So bad that I can't remember and don't want to talk about it, suffice to say that I finished it all off with a plate of Chinese food.


Monday
Special K + Milk
2 Babybel
2 Hard boiled eggs
2 Grilled Cheese
Ketchup
Arizona Iced Tea - Green w/ Ginseng & Honey
Hot chocolate

It has been a rediculous weekend. I don't knwo what the issue was other than I had a hell of a hangover over the course of a couple of days.

I need to figure out some form of self control. I need to be stronger than I am because right now I'm a weak, pathetic mess of a girl. I don't know how to fix this. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'm going to have to start spending more time there because it's basically the only way. HELP!

My life through the looking glass... Day 19

We're certainly not through day 19 yet but I know that I'll be working the rest of the day and won't really have time to write later.

I know I don't get enough protein. I have no idea how I could conceivably eat as much protein as my trainer wants me to. 120 grams of protein is a LOT.

To give you some perspective, if you wanted to get that from chicken, you would have to eat 3 - 4 boneless skinless chicken breasts per day to get that much. I really don't like chicken, but that's is not the point, it's just a lot of meat, cheese, eggs, lentils and shit to get into me and I really don't eat a lot of meat. I think I'm going to have to give in and start taking some protein supplement powder or something, must go to GNC, I guess.

I didn't put up a food log from yesterday so here goes:

Breakfast - 73 Calories

3 Arrowroot Cookies

Lunch - 608 Calories

1 Cheese Bagel w/ Herb & Garlic Cream Cheese

6 Cups of Coffee w/ Milk & Sweetner

Dinner - 869 Calories

1 Cup chopped mixed vegetables

2 Cups whole wheat pasta

2 tbsp mayonnaise

75g roasted chicken

1 tbsp flax seeds

Daily Total:

1550 Calories

41 g Fat

69g Protein

225g Carbs

Yeah, yeah. Too many carbs, not enough protein. Gotcha.

To the gym and back... Day 18

Went and worked out today and got really sick, toilet bowl hugging, wishing I could puke so that I could feel better sick.

Workout had to be cut short so I've been doing abs stuff on and off to try to make up for it. I'm going to have to go back tomorrow and get another workout in.

My trainer has new rules as follows:

1. Drink a bottle of water before every meal
2. Eat 4 meals
3. 2 tbsp of vinegar before every meal to block any fat that may exist in the meal
4. Is it protein? Is it a vegetable? No? Then don't eat it.
5. No more than 2 cups of coffee a day
6. Replace excess coffee with green tea

I have to officially weigh in on Thursday, and I really am nervous because I've been weighing myself on the scale in the change room, and I am supposedly down by 10 lbs. I'd like to believe that it is that much but I doubt it.

On Saturday I'll be half way through the month and will give you an update on goals and photos but as a quick recap my goal was 195 by March 1. I think I need to work out harder to get there.

All work and no play... Day 17

Well boys and girls, I have been working like a maniac but as a result I've not been working out like a maniac. This probably isn't a terrible thing since I know that my trainer is going to kill me tomorrow but I do like to get in for some extra cardio when I get the chance, unfortunately the nature of my job requires absolute dedication from me when I have orders, and so a lot of other things tend to fall by the wayside.

I've been eating not terribly but I tend to be bad when there are people around to see me, and I have no idea why. I used to be worse when I was alone but that's done a flip flop and now when someone can see me eat, I usually do. I'm going to have to impose another rule, I think, which is no eating in front of a computer or a television because I tend to do so rather unconsciously and that is just not good.

On the upside, I was looking at my calendar for activity vs. intake and it appears that I have been, on average, burning 1000 - 1500 calories more per day then I have been taking in, and have been eating much "healthier" than I have in months. I eat far less than the average person because, well, eating that much is gross, but I do eat much better quality food. Switching back to whole foods whenever possible was the best thing I've ever done. I eat less because a lot of it is a pain to prepare, and even if I go completely nuts and eat everything in sight, it's really hard to eat 1200 calories of veggies without exploding.

Anyhow, I'm going to hit the gym Tuesday & Thursday with my trainer and will be sneaking in at least two other cardio sessions for 900 - 1200 calories per.

I'll follow that up with some new photo updates at the end of the week, I loathe to do it, but it holds me accountable.

Day 15 - Ugh

I have officially been seeing my trainer for a week, four sessions in and I'm starting to see some results which is really good, not time for photo shoot #2 yet by any means but I certainly am feeling and seeing some results. (Really this means that I can't move.)

Foodlog for yesterday is:

Breakfast - 440 Calories 1 serving Danone [edit] [delete] Fat: 1.50g | Carb: 16.00g | Prot: 4.00g | Cal: 90kcal

2 servings Maple Brown Oatmeal [edit] [delete] Fat: 4.00g | Carb: 66.00g | Prot: 8.00g | Cal: 320kcal

1/4 cup Milk [edit] [delete] Fat: 1.22g | Carb: 2.87g | Prot: 2.01g | Cal: 30kcal

+ add new food: or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Lunch - 435 Calories

1 medium Banana [edit] [delete] Fat: 0.39g | Carb: 26.95g | Prot: 1.29g | Cal: 105kcal

1 serving Grilled Cheese [edit] [delete] Fat: 18.00g | Carb: 31.00g | Prot: 11.00g | Cal: 330kcal

+ add new food: or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Dinner - 398 Calories

1 1 1/2 servings Butternut Squash Soup [edit] [delete] Fat: 2.25g | Carb: 27.00g | Prot: 3.00g | Cal: 135kcal

1 slice large French Bread [edit] [delete] Fat: 2.88g | Carb: 49.82g | Prot: 8.45g | Cal: 263kcal

+ add new food: or Cancel + add new food: searching...

Snack - 70 Calories

1 serving Black Diamond Cheese String [edit] [delete] Fat: 6.00g | Carb: 0.00g | Prot: 5.00g | Cal: 70kcal

Total = 1343 Calories Calories burned by existing / working yesterday = 2876 Net Calories for the day = -1533

I still ate too much but don't feel that bad about it considering the kind of day I had.