day two, and kinda three

SO yesterday didn't totally suck... and then i got up... no im kidding. all in all, it wasn't a total right off. I had under 1000 calories, went on two runs, did 100 crunches, and kept busy all day doing housework and things so it all leveled out quite nice.
I am down to 155
Still a beached whale, but a little less flub... although you really cant tell a difference AT ALL. and chances are I'm going to hit that plateau soon, which blows madly.
ANyways, had a horrible fight yesterday with a friend, and said some things that i didn't think i had the cojones to say, but apparently do. Most of them about how all the make up, tanning, and gym going in the world will never make her even remotely attractive... but now that i think about it, i may have been directing all that at myself, and she was just as good, fat, and ugly and outlet....
Kinda sucks.
But anyway GOB TOMORROW! Lets mosh off all the flab?

Day 2 - A good day!

Food

• Pita Bread - 1 White

• Peanut Butter - 1 tbsp

• Banana - 1

• Milk - 1% 6oz
  

• Hardboiled eggs - 2

• Light Mayo - 1 tsp

• Yogurt - 1.5% MF - 90g

• Dairy Queen Dilly Bar - 1 (Bought by my cousin as an apology, so I had to)

• Light Hot Chocolate - 1
  

1000 calories

Activity

• 20 Min Stationary Bike

• 30 Min Eliptical Trainer

• 40 Min Tread Mill

• 100 Crunches

1000 Calories

NET CALORIES FOR THE DAY = 0

Go team me!

How did it come to this? Before Photos - Ugh

Somewhere along the line I lost control, I gave up and I decided that having a roll over my underwear was acceptable.

This is probably the most humiliating thing I've ever done but perhaps I need it for that ultimate reality check. This can't go on.

I'm making changes, regaining control, remembering, slowly. My body actually accepts this fairly easily, it remembers how it felt before and knows that this is second nature, and I'm grateful that it won't fight me too hard, at least for the first little while, and by the time it does, I will have the convictions and the strength to win.

I shudder when I see these, they make me want to get up out of bed at 1:15 am and run laps around the village, alas there are alarms on the doors here that beep every time they are opened, and they would rat me out.

These are the photos from Day 1.

ugh. i hate this. i keep weighing myself and it is changing every ten minutes, I swear its going up. How can I have gained three pounds since this morning when all I've done is run around doing laundry and drink 3 bottles of water?
So unbelievably frustrated. Also upset by the fact its french onion soup and grilled cheese for dinner. How can I eat that? Nothing there is safe. BUt i cant get away with not eating it either.
UGH!


and FYI

There are 200 calories in 1 serving of M&M Meat Shops French Onion Soup.
Calorie break-down: 36% fat, 32% carbs, 32% protein.
Calculated Weight Watchers® points: 4 points.
Estimated Net Carbs (non-fiber carbs): 13g.

That is what I'm putting into my body. disgusting. Oh and of course...

Calories 670
(2801 kJ)


% DV 1
Total Fat
46g
71%
Sat. Fat
17g
85%
Cholesterol
75mg
25%
Sodium
935mg
39%
Total Carbs.
40g
13%
Dietary Fiber
4g
16%
Sugars
8g

Protein
26g

Calcium
580mg

for grilled cheese. JOY!

Superskinny Us - Day 1 - Part 2

Posting problems are the bane of my existence today!

So here's the plan for me:

50% of my daily total calories from protein because my trainer is giving me hell about having only about 1/4 of the protein my body needs, and she says it's based on ratios. Fine.

I'm also committing to < 750 calories per day. I know that this is a lot, but I need to step down gradually because otherwise I last about 3 weeks before I'm ready to kill someone and finally give up. I missed my appointment with the trainer this morning because I have too much work to do but I'll be seeing her Wednesdsay @ 5pm and will head into the gym @ some point tomorrow to make up. No excuses.

Breakfast:
1/2 a grapefruit
1 Yogurt
=============
145 Calories

Lunch:
Water with Lemon Juice
3 Hard Boiled Eggs (Gross, going to have to find an alternative)
=============
235 Calories

Snack:
Pot of tea - no milk, sweetner (yeah, I know)
=============
5 Calories

Dinner:
1/2 Chicken Breast - Boneless, Skinless, Baked

1 pita bread - white (really must do my own groceries from now on)

1/4 cup yellow pepper

2 tsp asian dressing

=============
425 Calories

Snack:

Cheese String

Apple

1 1/4" cube of extra old cheddar

==========

250 Calories

Total for day = 1060

Okay, I came in a little higher than I wanted to, the boy handed me a cheese string and I ate it without thinking. Must learn how to say no thank you. I wish I had the strength to purge but it has never been something I could do.

Headed to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water.


================================================================

Day 1 - Superskinny Us Challenge

I don't have before photos taken yet but I'll get them up and posted by tonight hopefully, I know it's not going to be pretty. In the interm, here's some thinspa!

So here is day one of the "I WILL NOT BINGE IF MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT" diet.
here's my morning thinspo http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=uW9EF2QkcK4&feature=related
feel like a whale right off the bat, and you're not likely to be running for the fridge or cupboards for anything but water and laxitives lol. Its a pretty simple theory.
So here's my goal: Only eat apples and drink water today, except for dinner where i will need to sit down and eat something, but at that hopefully manage only a handful of veggies. Also going to walk the dog now, and then take him for a run at like 11 when there is no one around to see fatty pounding pavement and panting from all the effort of dragging an extra 50 lbs down the road with me. (Please note, the dog weighs 7 pounds, the rest is all me)
So here's hoping i can get through the day.
CW 155.5 (apparently)
HW 162.5
LW.... well pretty low
STG a size 5 for march
LTG a zero for june/july.

Jan 25 / 09

The list:

2 bananas
2 pieces of Hawaiian pizza with jalapeno cheese dip
2 grilled cheese sandwiches
an apple
a banana
4 bottles of water

Let's never talk about it again

I have a serious issue. It's called being a woman. Every time I get my period I eat... for 7-9 days straight. and then spend the rest of the month hating myself and compensating.
Welcome to day 5 of the binge. I had a bagel, a serving of pork tenderloin, and 5 perogies.
Off me please.
And the best part, I'm at that Do I have it, or dont i have it stage where, really i dont have my period, but I cant have sex yet to get rid of all the frustration because mother nature is a nasty cunt whore who decides to surprise me every 6 hours or so by having it re appear.
So there's the gorey low down of where I lay today. Obese and miserable.
Stats:
HW: 160
CW: (pretty damn close) 157
STG: 140
LTG:120



now how to get there?

Excuses

My whole life I was thin, athletic, and firm. I played every sport available and was lucky enough to have grown up to be 5'10". This is a blessing and a curse. It means that when I first started to put on weight everyone referred to it as "filling out" and "looking more like a woman" instead of just calling me on the fact that I was starting to look like Betsy the cow.

I was in a bad relationship for about eight years.

I put on the freshmen 15, twice.

I am a stress eater.

I have never been exposed to the crap that I was eating, and so I didn't realize how bad for me it was.

I am a compulsive over eater with the inability to say no to myself.

I have no self control.

I can eat whatever I want, so long as I'm working out.

I'll just have one bite.

I'll run tomorrow to make up for it.

I broke my foot and can't help it, I'm just not getting the exercise I need.

I am too busy with the kid, and the aunt, and the job and school to eat properly.

I'm in the UK, when is the next time I'll be back? I should enjoy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to stop giving myself permission. I need to stop making excuses. Where I am is not acceptable, attractive or okay. I used to have more self control.

It is time to stop whining, making or taking excuses. I have 7 days in a week to check Facebook and email, to talk on the phone and to text my hours away in between naps, perhaps I should stop being such a sloth and do something about this before it makes me crazier than it already has.

Think Yoda: Do or do not, there is no try.

Rework it: Do. There is no do not. There is no try.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stats:

HW: 273

CW: 207

STG: 195 by March 1

LTG: 145 by September 1

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Today:

Well, if we're confessing and taking responsibility then I guess I'll have to be honest.

2 pieces French toast with butter and syrup

2 glasses of juice

6 oz white meat chicken with brown rice & stir fry vegetables

12 oz glass of 1% chocolate milk

Misc bits and bites while cooking

1 Oreo

I should be shot.    

so here i am at 4 am.
I'm so lucky in so many ways. I have a relatively healthy (physically at least) family, I wake up next to the most amazing man i could ever ask for each day, i'm treated like gold. everything is great, except for that giant gaping hole inside of me where my own beliefs should be.
Who the fuck am I?
I'm that girl in the mirror, blank faced, staring into obscurity. I'm the voice inside my head screaming that nothing will never be good enough, I'll never be good enough. I always need to change... but into what? What haven't I tried yet? I have been everything, but I'm still nothing.